Firstly, don’t be weird. Tank tops and muscle shirts are not appropriate attire in the zombie apocalypse.  Here’s what you’ll need to make sure you can enjoy all these cigars we’re about to zombie-proof:

• Silk long johns (zombies can’t bite through silk!)

• Leather gloves (this isn’t the Walking Dead, kids)

• Jeans

• Parabelt (to hold your pants up while doubling as a tourniquet if you need it)

• Long sleeve shirt, preferably something durable

• Duct tape to secure your gloves and shoes

Now that you’re dressed to impress, let’s talk about what you’ll need to stay alive and smokin’ like a champ. These range from the necessary to desirable, but the more of these items you have the more you’ll enjoy those miserable nights on the run from thugs trying to steal your stash.

• Aluminum, extended baseball bat

• Silenced .22 pistol with plenty of ammo

• At least one SOG Seal Pup knife (lightweight, durable, handy cigar cutter too)

• Hiking backpack

• Poncho (because being wet isn’t cool)

• Garbage bags (a million uses, including a Po’boy’s poncho)

• 550 cord (lightweight rope)

• 2 clear plastic bottles

• Potable Aqua (for when solar water disinfection isn’t feasible)

• Riot Shield if you’re lucky (useful for shelter as well as protection)

• Cigar Traveller torch adapter (comes with custom cartridges but also fits most BICs)

• Cereal Tupperware (perfect shape for a backpack, and it also top loads)

• Boveda packs

• Several plastic bags (save those Small Batch fiver bags!) for recharging Boveda among other things

• A map of military installations and cigar shops in your area

• Cigars!

Cigar Tools in the Zombie Apocalypse

If the day ever comes, hopefully you’ll find yourself in a zombie apocalypse where you don’t have to worry about giving away your position with smell or smoke signals.  Aside from all the cool stuff that will keep you alive, let’s talk more about your cigar setup. Note that we haven’t included a cigar cutter to reduce weight and minimize the urge to grab several every time you walk past an abandoned Xikar display case.  Here’s a few ways that you can cut your cigars without the bling in your pocket.

The Cigar Traveller adapter from Europe is perfect for our needs because it will allow us to fill up without having to find or carry cans of butane everywhere we go. Simply eject empty cartridges and refill with another BIC to save the day.  It’s a very powerful single-flame torch that will easily light a dozen or more cigars per cartridge.  If you don’t like ordering from Europe, there’s also a Soto adapter on Amazon that works pretty well but is a little more finicky with different size lighters.  The Traveller comes with custom cartridges that are refillable, making it easier to go longer periods of time until you find the proper BIC sizes.

Know what’s wonderful about Tupperware? It’s lightweight, airtight, and forms a semi-hard barrier to protect the payload.  The hard part will be deciding how to cushion your cigars against the walls, especially once inventory starts to dry up.  Clothing works well because it can fill the nooks and crannies, providing excellent filler for extra space.  Bacteria, though, would make this option less desirable over time.  With all that spare time on your hands, it’d probably be best to rig a gentle spring to the lid with a cushioned pad resting against the  cigars.

Boveda! With zombies chasing you around, you’re not going to care much about the exact percentage of your cigars.  Boveda 65% packs will easily protect your cigars from drying out without having to rely on hygrometers or any other fancy gadgetry.  And when they’re starting to dry up, you can recharge them with a plastic bag and distilled water if you’re gangster like that.  In an airtight environment, one pack should last long enough for you to find a prison to clear and inhabit.

But what about the maps? The zombie apocalypse will limit your selection of fine cigars significantly more than the FDA, forcing you to scavenge the planet for cigars that are still properly cared for.  While you may get lucky and find a vacant house that used Tupperware, the easiest way to restock is to go for the guaranteed victory. 

As it happens, many brands sell their cigars in sampler bags designed to sit on shelves that aren’t properly humidified. They’re already packaged with Boveda and have an excellent shelf life. Southern Draw cigars are sold at AAFES shops (PX, BX, NEX) the same way, and depending on where you’re located you might come across a military installation before finding a Tobacconist.  There’s also a chance that you’ll find other helpful items if the aisles haven’t been picked clean yet.

Cigars in the Zombie Apocalypse

Runnin’ and gunnin’ is not without its drawbacks! Chances are that your smoking habits will have to change to accommodate your new lifestyle.  Here are a few considerations:

• Size: Downtime is a luxury that only the dead can afford

• Pairings: Running sober beats running drunk

• Durability: Let’s face it… you’re gonna rough these cigars up a bit

Tentatively plan on dropping 50% of your lit cigars due to unforeseen zombie/cannibal/thug interruptions, meaning that you’ll want to favor robusto and shorter sizes. This will allow you to pack more cigars into your Tupperware container and discard them as needed without feeling overly guilty when you have to handle business.  Additionally, any ring gauges above 50 should be discarded if you’re low on space.  Butane will become harder and harder to find, and larger ring gauges take longer to light. 

Myself, I’ll be exclusively enjoying cigars that wet my palate in the zombie apocalypse as opposed to those that have a drying effect, require a stout pour to accompany them, or just aren’t my favorite exclusively with water. If you ever find yourself zombie-proofing your Tupperware, though, be sure to consider a world without alcohol, soft drinks, or coffee as you load up. 

Lastly, you’ll want to ensure that the cigars you pick aren’t fragile in any sense of the word. Cigars without cellophane and those with Cameroon wrappers should immediately be left behind if there are better alternatives.  Oh, and unless you have the magic touch with Cuban cigars, you’re probably better off picking Dominican and Nicaraguan sticks to haul around.  The last thing you want to do is pack a bag full of cigars knowing that a good percentage of them will be plugged and ruin your fantastic, zombie-filled day.

Tell us!  What are you packing during a Zombie Apocalypse?